Adult Xs and Os (hey, at least you’ve been warned)

Is it that X marks the spot, or is it that your eX knows your spot? And no, that’s not what she said.

My eX and I went for our semi-annual coffee catch-up because we always promised we’d remain friends. Admittedly, I was initially hesitant with the whole “friends” thing, coming up with this or that as an excuse to bail. After four years of a whole lot of feelings, it’s almost impossible not to come up with a whole lot of reasons why it’d probably be bad idea to meet up. But since we are both only home in South Florida a few times a year, we decided that we shouldn’t lose what’s left of our friendship.     

Last night, we met up at Starbucks, because, well, that’s just what we do. It’s one of our spots. He didn’t need to ask, and I didn’t need to beg; we both just instinctually knew – when we meet up, we meet up at Starbucks. Like an algorithm.   

Ironically, on my drive over, Y-100 was asking listeners if it’s possible to hook up with ex’s and not feel anything, not have any strings attached (funny how life works, eh?). Some people called in and said “yes, but only if you were both never in love.” A few just said “yes.” But most agreed that “no, someone is bound to get hurt.” If I were to ask some of my best friends, I am positive they would tell you it’s 110 percent impossible.    

With my coffee in hand, I sat with my eX and laughed and reminisced and talked about who’s pregnant, who’s engaged and who’s up to what. This chitter-chatter mixed with the radio’s topic of conversation, of course, got me thinking about the strange relationships we all have with have with our eXs.

Do we go back because our hearts can’t let go? Do we go back because we don’t want to raise our numbers? Or do we go back because our eX’s know our spots?

Two years since our break-up, I can still tell you my eX’s cologne with my eyes closed (Armani Black Code) and his favorite old movie (Top Gun). I can still tell you he loves a slab of prime rib and he’s always down to share spinach dip. He still loves pens (Mont Blanc) and if I suggested going to Marian’s Bagel Host, Chima’s or The Mariott Harbor Beach Club – I could bet you he’d say “When?”  

It’s scarily simple to fall back into the comfort zone. To play the same roles you played during your relationship, even during the short amount of time it takes to drink a tall latte. To wonder where the time went. How quickly the mind forgets the hurt and the pain and the illogical fights, and the whole reason you broke up in the first place. It’s all so shockingly easy.

People have this emotional need to desperately cling on to the past and to wish they could relive and retry everything, which is why we can’t help but remember our spots. We associate every great meal, fun day-trip and crazy night with people. We don’t remember exactly what we wore or who drove or what we ordered, but we remember being euphorically happy at drive-ins and at sushi restaurants.   

But while memories are crucial, they are simply that: memories. Fixations that keep us content. And though I can’t say it’s easy, maybe it’s best to forget old spots so we can find new ones and make more memories.

Our eX’s may know our spots. They may promise to trigger great responses, but only by keeping us tied down. However, when the S&M (sameness and melancholy) becomes daily routine, we find ourselves desensitized and bored.

Thus, as in Tic-Tac-Toe, our eX’s can only block our Oh’s, and who wants to live an unsatisfied life? Now that’s what she said.